dude i'm inner monologue high
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
