the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
