I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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