I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
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It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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