If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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