So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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