batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
