I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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