My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Are we still banned from the library?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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