I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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