I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
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i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
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You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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