Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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