I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think your dad took our porno
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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