he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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