My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
