He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
