Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
