Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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