I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
"it" just moved
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
