I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
