Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
