Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
