Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I intend to get homeless drunk
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
