he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
