i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
