and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
