I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
