i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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