Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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