My cat gives me a boner
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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