Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
