Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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