If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
