I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
