I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
