well I can't set my house on fire every night
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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