Swine flu is the new snow day.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I could fuck to npr.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
