he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
