dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
