Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
