I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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