Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
