When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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