I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
