I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
