so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
