Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
