fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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