Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
