love makes seman taste better
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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