What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
