when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
