i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
