just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
