1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
