I am puke
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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