you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
