Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
