Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You're like the curious george of whores
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
